My Story - Why I Do, What I Do.
(Updated in Jan 2022)
Three events and experiences shape what I do today with Inspiring Dads.
1) Growing up with Multiple Sclerosis
It was 1987, I was 11 years old and living in Taunton, Somerset, the medium sized market town I was born in. A comfortable existence, our parents grew their own fruit and vegetables in the allotments that backed onto our semi detached home, my grandparents had been dairy farmers and summers were all about cricket.
Our life was about to be turned upside down by Multiple Sclerosis, a cruel and debilitating disease. From a distance I see how treatment and diagnoses has come on leaps and bounds, but in the late 1980s medical professionals seemed at a loss as to how to treat the condition. For mum the idea of remission was a pipe dream - she had bad days and worse days. She went down hill pretty quickly, within what felt like months, she couldn’t leave the house without her wheelchair. We moved to a bungalow, got a converted car, learnt where the drop down kerbs were and practiced the skill of gently (!) tilting the chair back to negotiate the lips and edges that dominate our urban environments.
My teenage years fundamentally changed how I saw the role of men and males in the home. My dad, my brother and I couldn’t coast along relying on mum to do things for us. We had different responsibilities than most boys our age, we went on different holidays, we had to think about different things. It was just how it was.
In hindsight it was the type of domestic equality that I advocate today.
Our Mum, Ann, died in August 2008, aged 61. I still never, ever, park in disabled bays - even if “no one needs them.”
2) 2010 - New Dad, New Worries
It was 3am when I held our daughter, Freya for the first time and I knew nothing was going to be the same again.
I made secret promises to her, her little eyes piercing my soul. Promises I hoped I’d be able to keep. Promises about what sort of Dad I would be… Wanting to make Mum proud.
But not knowing what the hell I was doing!
Worrying that I would drop my daughter was just the first thing!
Would we have enough money? One income and lots of extra costs! I was worried I couldn’t be a great Dad and have a great career. Worried our relationship would take 2nd place to our children. Worried we’d just be parents, not partners. I’d have to grow up – no more spontaneous trips to the pub with the boys. No more gaming and an end to social life?
I muddled along as best I could.
Wanting to be there with our baby. But then wanting to be somewhere else. Because no-one tells you how boring life can be with a new-born. Everything arranged around nap time! But throughout I knew one thing for sure.
I wanted to be a different type of Dad.
I wanted to share responsibilities with my wife. We wanted an equal marriage, and the opportunity was there. I went to 4 days a week and then after 6 months of maternity leave, my wife, Lisa, went back to work as a lawyer - I took on the nappies and the naps. 9 months of full time baby things.
Without work I was worried people would see me as a less of a man.
Doing “women’s work” – not providing for my family.
I remember telling people I was a management consultant - stay at home dad was just a temporary job!
I got patronised by old ladies in the supermarket, ignored by the mums who couldn’t get their heads round it and treated with suspicion by the dads who were ‘real men’, out to work. Men who thought I was out to hit on their wives.
But I met some guys who got it.
Who structured their working lives around their children, understood the amazing but limited opportunity we had to shape and guide our little people. Because they are only young once.
The importance of work and identity
I did some freelance work – kept my hand in 2 / 3 days a week – earnt some good money. My skills and expertise were needed. I was needed. I had a way of earning money and being an involved father. I also had the chance to umpire hockey matches on Saturdays - working towards the top domestic level in England, identity driven by sporting excellence.
I had what I wanted. Right?
But I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
I couldn’t be a management consultant anymore. Not with the travel and the hours. Being a great dad wasn’t the temporary gig. Consultancy was the temporary gig.
I'm a guy, so ‘naturally’ I didn't share my anxiety with anyone, but wrestling with these dilemmas took some of the joy out of becoming a Dad. I couldn’t wait for my daughter to start nursery, so I didn’t have to look after her for 5 days in a row. I was struggling to balance the conflict of wanting to be there and wanting to work.
The certainty of my previous existence had gone. The uncertainty and the lack of clear purpose was depressing at times. I should have felt happier, but it was not a problem I could easily solve. How to be a great dad AND have a great career?
And then the worst thing happened
3) George and Paul Burke 2012
I learnt that Paul Burke, “Burkey”, a university hockey mate had died. His 1 year old son, George, had suddenly died and lacking support in a system that didn’t know how to help suddenly bereaved parents he was overcome with grief, self blame and post-traumatic stress. He took his own life 5 days later.
It put everything into context.
Everything can change in an instant and having somewhere to turn is vital.
Men need to support each other and connect, tell stories and practice being vulnerable.
I set up an annual hockey match in memory of Paul. To remember him, to connect with old mates and to raise money for 2 Wish, the charity that his widow, and now my friend, Rhian Mannings, MBE, Pride of Britain winner founded. Out of a great tragedy we take the opportunity to connect. Now, 10 years on we also take the time to remember and celebrate the lives two more hockey friends - Jonathan ‘Bob’ Cheek and Deep Bolina.
The Three Bs.
2015
2021
Inspiring Dads
I was 11 years old when our mum’s multiple sclerosis broke any domestic gender role expectations I might have had as a young teenager in a family of males.
At 33, becoming a dad showed me how challenging the early stages of fatherhood can be - identity, anxiety and mixed emotions, it also demonstrated that work and ‘status’ don’t define a man.
I was 35, in 2012, when 1 year old George Burke’s sudden death, followed 5 days later by the suicide of his dad, my friend, Paul, showed how fragile life can be. The devastation these events caused, painfully illustrates the importance of both crisis support for mental health trauma and normalising men feeling comfortable talking about their emotions, worries and pressures.
Ultimately coaching has shown me a way to help.
The Mission
To help HR leaders support a new generation of dads as they navigate the vital early years of fatherhood. Creating structures and support that facilitate a redefinition of traditional, potentially divisive gender stereotypes around “breadwinning” and “caring”, helping new dads to be the hands-on, active and involved fathers they don’t necessarily remember growing up.
Coaching, mentoring and the creation of safe spaces is good for dads’ well-being and mental fitness, improves equality at home and at work and redefines, for everyone, what “being committed” looks like in the workplace.
Ultimately the mission to help men to solve this crucial question:
How to be a great dads, without sacrificing a great career?
Our Vision
Equal parental Leave rights, enshrined in law, for all.
Important things that I’ve learnt…
Becoming a new dad is one of the most profoundly challenging experiences that men will ever go through.
Other people’s judgement can’t matter, doing what is right for you and your family is what matters.
Being male doesn’t insulate you from domestic responsibilities.
You can’t predict when everything is going to change.
Men need to know It’s ok to talk - being vulnerable and knowing where to turn might save your life.
Building new foundations and thought processes are crucial to driving gender equality at work and at home.